Day 15- September 15, 2010

Time flies fast.. I am almost blogging my experiences for almost half a month... I still feel the pain, betrayal, anguish, my hungriness to know the truth and still I have doubts for everything that he is saying to me.... I got the chance to talk to a good friend of mind/mentor/family counsellor tita K... She told me that if I really want this marriage to work out I need to be strong, and have the will to keep my marriage and fight till the end...

Tita K: I knew you are in a very tough situation, I've been there a couple of times... It is so hard to forget the hurts and pains that he caused you but if you are not going to be strong at the end of the day you will see that your family will continue to fall apart... dont let other people ruin your family, it is within your hand that will keep and save your marriage... men will always be polygamous.. ironically this is the time that he needs your utmost support, understanding and love... instead of anger shower him with love and praises....

Me: Tita k, how can that be possible if deep inside I was hurting and so destroyed.. I dont even knew where to start pickin up the pieces again??

Tita K: Simple,, if you love him you can accept him and embrace his faults that is called Unconditional love...  and most importantly Pray,, pray that God will guide you to the correct path of building your family... Make God the center of your family and you will never go wrong... If 20 years ago I gave up on your Tito M, maybe I am still bitter on the things that happened in my life... I will still be the same Tita K who is looking for what went wrong.. but instead what I did is I did not give up on your Tito M, but instead I patiently waited for the answers to my questions... and from there I tried to play my games right... Para lang poker yan anak, dba kahit ilang beses nauubos yung taya mo sige ka pa din ng laro? You never stop but instead you started to learn the tricks, ganyan din ang buhay may asawa, di  pde lagi kayo masaya, di pde lagi malungkot, sa unos ng mag-asawa dapat kapit kamay kayo, parang sayaw, dapat sabay kayo, walang nauuna, walang nahuhuli kasi pag may nauna o nahuli mawawala kayo sa tiyempo ng buhay... enjoy each other try to put the kilig back sa inyong dalawa.. madali lang yun pag talagang mahal nyo ang isa't isa....... Sa edad kong ito minsan problema ko pa din kay Tito mo yan pero everytime nangyayari yun it makes me stronger and better wife... life goes on hwag ka mawawalan ng disposisyon dahil lang sa nangyari sa buhay mong yan nde lang ikaw ang ganyan madami tayo..... At the end marerealize din nya na mali ang ginawa o ginagawa nya basta hwag ka magkulang sa pagpapakita sa kanya ng pagmamahal lalo na sa mga anak mo...... As much as possible dont look back sa mga masasakit na nagyari sa buhay nyo but instead be prepared sa mangyayari sa kinabukasan anjoy life to the fullest, tanggalin ang galit sa puso, that will be your first step in recovering from a painful experience in life... sa ngayon bigyan mo ng pagkakataon ang asawa mo ituwid ang pagkakamali nya hindi niya kakayanin yan ng mag isa diyan ka niya kailangan, diyan niya kailangan ng suporta mo, hwag mo sya pabayaan magtulungan kayo sa pagbuo ng pamilya hindi pwede isa lang dapat tulong parang bumubuo ng bahay diba hindi pde karpintero lahat, hindi pde mason lahat, sa pamilya ganun din kanya kanya kayo ng role para mabuo yan pag nagkulang ng isa mahihirapan kayo mabuo yan.. love one another,, sa isang marriage counsellor na naattend namin ng tito mo ang payo nila "Mahalin nyo ang isa't isa na parang mamamatay ng ang isa kinabukasan, mawala man kinabukasan ang isa sa inyo hindi kayo mag sisisi" o diba morbid pero totoo yun diba pag alam natin mawawala na ng isang tao we give them the utmost care and love..




NP: Rainbow

Day 14-Spetember 11, 2010

I felt bad that he is sick.. He's sleeping I was looking at him intently.. I asked my self how can I loved this person for he is so selfish...... but in the years gone by I have learned to loved this selfish, arrogant, womanizer man so damn good that it hurts so bad and slowly destroying me.... I knew in my heart that no matter what happens I will always love him even he cannot love me in return... Maybe that's why they say that love is only for fools... Maybe I was fool enough to be so damn in love with him even though there are so many painful things and memories he brought in my life...




NP: I love you more today than yesterday

Day 13-September 10, 2010

I don't think i can get away with this pain that i feel inside my heart... I knew i am losing him... its hard to fight for something that you knew that wasn't you at all... I am considering of leaving him for I know that he can be happy if I'm gone.. Sometimes when you love someone you are being selfless you just want to give the thing that can make them happy.. It is hard when you knew that you cannot make the person you love happy..... My plans are already concrete to leave him but he texted me that he is not feeling well... I am weighing what i felt if I can be tough not to be there by his side.. then I just remembered the vow I made to him when we got married.. In sickness and in health.. in richer and poorer.. till death do we part... I loved him that much that I set aside what i felt............



NP: Set you free

Day 12- September 9, 2010

Nothing is new i still feel sad and lonely............

Day 11-September 8, 2010

I was so confused for she is bothering me the whole day.......

Day 10- September 7, 2010

Is in the hospital contemplating on the things that is happening to me..






NP: When I need you

Day 9-September 6, 2010

Alone... When you are alone you tend to think about everything, from your past, your present and you even wonder what tomorrow will brings.... I am living on my present.. I want to forget my past and I'm not looking forward for my future... for I dont want to be disappointed. I just want to savor every moment of my present for i dont know what tomorrow will bring... If I leave today I will have a gift to bring a gift of good memory of my present...




NP: When I'm Gone

Day 8- September 5, 2010

I am still hurting... Sometimes we put on a happy face to let people know that we are ok... I just wished that I have the capability to forget everything..... But sadly I am the only one who is enduring the pain.. Pain of losing someone you love and the pain of losing yourself.......



NP: Just Another Woman In love

Day 7-September 4, 2010

Restless..........

Day 6- September 3, 2010

I am in the process of accepting the things that is happening in my life... But I still have sleepless nights.... I don't know the impact of our present situation to our kids... My son is a bit disturbed nowadays. his teachers told me that he is having a hard time to concentrate on things while my daughter gets very irritated with every simple things.. This is what I am afraid of as much as possible I want to pull away my kids from the pains that I have.... I commit a mistake to make a bad impression for their Dad. That is the biggest mistake in my life.. I shouldn't have done that... I shouldn't have compromise their feeling with my own feelings.. I became selfish....... I don't know where to start I am totally lost.. don't know where to start pickin' up the pieces again... I feel that I am all alone in this battle... The person that I thought would be my partner have taken the side of my enemy....... I feel so down, helpless for I don't wan't to speak anymore... Sometimes I wanted to cry but oddly it became the hardest thing for me to do.. Maybe I am getting used to the feeling of hurt and sadness for they are my constant companion nowadays.........................



NP: On my Own

Day 5 -September 2, 2010

I am so sad................................................................................




NP: Bluer than Blue

Day 4- September 1, 2010

Today I officially turn 29, in my 29 years of existence I have done many mistakes but I tried to amend all my mistakes by accepting it and learning from it, Because if not I will not become the person who I am right now. My Ninong Manny told me once that "What I am is Gods gift to me, and what I strive to become is my gift to God, May my thoughts be pure for it will become my words, and my words will become my action, and my actions will become my character." I don't wish for anything fancy, nor expensive gifts. What I wish for is a warm greetings, a kiss, a hug and an assurance of eternal love from the person I love. For my kids I just wish they grow up the way I wanted them to be. For my friends it was more than enough that they remember my special day. And lastly for God to grant what I am praying for.... I am still aching. Lastly for my self I wish I can feel what it means to be happy again...................


NP: Balatkayo